


You only ever wanna love me after midnight

by TJ (rainbowsmuke)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Angst, Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Smut, mentions of cashton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-07-01 21:12:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15782223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowsmuke/pseuds/TJ
Summary: Michael thought he would be fine with just a physical relationship with Luke, because having something is better than nothing right? After several months; however, Michael realizes that since he's been in love with Luke since he was fifteen he can't separate his romantic feelings after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wastethemuke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wastethemuke/gifts).



Luke's mouth tastes like liquor and mango. It's a pleasant combination and Michael moans softly as he sucks at Luke's bottom lip before he bites down on it gently. They're both a little drunk though not so much they don't know exactly what they're doing. Parties aren't necessarily Michael's favorite thing but he goes sometimes when his bandmates talk him into it. Michael always tries to argue his way out of it but on the occasion he doesn't win and gets dragged out, he makes the best of it. He has fun with his best friends. But what he truly loves is when it's all over and they're stumbling back into the hotel room. Sometimes all together, sometimes not, sometimes just two of them like right now. Michael and Luke were ready to leave after spending all night not being able to touch and kiss each other in public. Ashton and Calum chose to stay behind for a little longer. That suits Michael just fine because if they were here, he wouldn't have Luke shoved against the wall of the elevator car and his hands up Luke's shirt. It's a little riskier than Luke would allow if they were sober, knowing at any time the elevator could come to a stop and open to let passengers on to witness one of their deepest secrets. Michael has lost count of how many time he and Luke have done this; slipped away from their bandmates so they can go at it in the nearest available and private space. It's an unspoken rule that their relationship, whatever it is, stays between the two of them because there's too many variables, too many things that could end up fucked if people knew. Michael gets it even if he doesn't like it. It's something he can successfully not think about at the moment because of the alcohol coating his brain and Luke's hand cupping his cock through his black skinny jeans. 

The elevator stops on the fourth floor and dings before the doors slide open. Michael wrenches himself away from Luke reluctantly, like it's the hardest thing in the world for him to do, and exits the car. He stumbles slightly and laughs, just barely catching his balance as Luke joins him and grabs his elbow to steady Michael. 

"Fuck," Michael giggles. He leans against Luke's taller frame as they make their way toward Michael's room. Or maybe it's Luke's room? He doesn't even know, at least until they actually get to the door and Luke fumbles to get the key card in the slot. In the time it takes Luke to do that, Michael nuzzles into the side of his neck and breathes in the scent of him. Michael loves the way Luke smells, like expensive soap and even more expensive cologne, but beneath that something that's naturally Luke. The word pheromones bounces around Michael's head before he realizes they're not at Luke's door but his own, and that's why the keycard isn't working. So Michael digs his own out of his pocket and slides it in, more successfully than Luke, and locking mechanism beeps and turns green. 

"C'mon," Luke says, his voice edged with pent up lust. He practically drags Michael into the room before kicking the door shut. 

This time it's Michael that ends up with his back against a hard surface and his hands automatically come up to sink into Luke's dark blond curls. There's a hunger that Luke sparks inside Michael that can never be satisfied. It's always there, burning deep inside of him, and the edge is only ever taken off when Luke touches him. Most of the time Michael feels like he's starving for Luke's attention because he only gets it behind closed doors. A groan leaves Michael as Luke bites down on his lower lip and tugs it playfully, almost roughly, and he never minds it too much. It sends a wave of arousal through him, and Michael's almost painfully hard, his dick pressed against the denim of his jeans. Luke has Michael trapped against the door with his body, and he's certainly not the lanky teenager he used to be that earned the nickname 'breadstick' from their fans. He's a man now, broader and stronger but Michael's no pussy either. He untangles his fingers from Luke's hair and slides his hands down and over Luke's shoulders. When they reach Luke's chest, Michael shoves him backwards, not too hard, and pushes himself off the wall. 

"Get your clothes off," Michael demands, his tone tight with impatience. "I wanna fuck you."

Luke smirks as he clumsily undoes the buttons of his shirt. "Fuckin' bossy." 

The banter between them hasn't changed despite the fact they're banging now and Michael wouldn't have it any other way. He mirrors Luke's grin and shrugs casually. "You love it." That earns him an eye roll.

There's space between them that feels like too much, and Michael's only gotten his shirt off before he's reaching for Luke again, ready to pop the buttons off the damn shirt in his haste to get it off Luke. An indignant sound leaves Luke though he doesn't stop Michael from undoing the last of them and shoving the offensive material off his body. Michael knows this is one of Luke's favorite shirts but he doesn't care about that at all. Luke can buy a new one, he has the dough for it. Michael's reaching for the buckle of Luke's belt when Luke distracts him with a kiss, their teeth knocking together slightly and it's a little messy. Michael groans into that kiss, his tongue pushing past Luke's lips and sliding urgently against his lover's. Michael can still taste the alcohol and artificial fruit flavor in Luke's mouth. Michael wants to suck the flavor right out of his mouth until it's gone. Hell, Michael wants to do so many things to Luke right now, especially since Luke is practically whining as he shoves the ridiculously tight jeans off his ass himself. 

"Bed...now," Michael pants as the kiss is broken, his voice low and rough. He can see the goosebumps that rise on Luke's skin and it pleases Michael more than he's willing to admit.

He's loathe to let Luke out of reach but he needs to get the essentials or this isn't happening. Michael's adventurous but he isn't a sadist, and he never wants to truly hurt Luke even if they get a little rough sometimes when they fuck, so he goes over to one of his suitcases and unzips it so he can dig out the lube and a condom. They don't always use condoms but Michael always makes sure there's one available in case Luke wants him to use it or vice versa. Michael finds both items a moment later, doesn't bother to close the suitcase and walks around the bed to put them both on the nightstand so he can peel off his shirt. Luke's already naked, lying on the bed with his dick in his hand as he waits for Michael to join him. It brings a soft groan of longing from Michael and his body feels too hot. He needs to get the fucking clothes off now. 

"Jesus, you couldn't wait a fucking minute?" Michael admonishes, a grin spread over his lips.

"Not my fault you're taking so long," Luke retorts and his hand strokes up his cock once. Pre-come beads at the head of his erection and Luke spreads it with his thumb. It encourages Michael to move just that much faster to get the rest of his clothes off. 

In record time, Michael kicks off his shoes and strips himself of the rest of his clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor next to the bed so he can join Luke on the bed. Michael crawls between Luke's legs, his fingertips running slightly up Luke's long legs from his ankles, over his shins and then along the inside of his thighs. Luke bites down on his lower lip as he strokes his cock again, and lets a needy little sound leave him. Michael loves those sounds, loves that he's the reason Luke makes those sounds. Except Michael's not the reason Luke is making those sounds at the moment and that annoys him just a little. 

Michael reaches up and brushes Luke's hand off his cock. "Stop before you make yourself come." He ignores Luke's groan and leans down between his lover's legs so he can kiss along the inside of one of his thighs. "You know you like it better when I make you bust anyway." Michael's not being arrogant, just stating an absolute fact, and he glances up just in time to see Luke roll his eyes for the second time but there's no denial on his lips.

"Yeah, but will you get on with it," Luke whines softly. His body jerks slightly as Michael sucks a mark into his skin, in a place that no one can see it. It's the only place Luke will let Michael leave a hickey. 

Michael's gotten rebellious about it before and left a hickey on the side of Luke's neck, in a spot where it would peek out above the collar of Luke's unbuttoned shirts which had their team annoyed because it meant extra time to cover it with makeup. Michael had been smug about it the whole time, at least until Luke asked him not to do it again and they didn't fuck for a week to follow. 

"What's your rush?" Michael shoots back, and raises his head to stare at Luke, a curious brow raised. Yeah, they have to be up early tomorrow to get on a plane to the next city but they've gone on less sleep before. Luke seems particularly riled tonight and Michael hopes he isn't getting weird about this again. That's happened before too, much to Michael's chagrin. 

Luke shakes his head and hesitates before he says, "Nothing. Just horny."

It's a response Michael's used to hearing and he pushes away the little sting of disappointment he feels. Sometimes, he wishes Luke's answer was something different, something more affectionate but he knows better. They have an arrangement, unspoken or not, and it's better than not having Luke at all. It doesn't stop Michael from pressing a playful kiss to Luke's hip.

"What do you want then?" he asks as he leans over Luke and grabs the lube off the nightstand. Neither of them seem to be concerned with the condom. It's on the tip of Michael's tongue to ask if he can eat Luke out because he desperately wants to, but he knows he'll get shut down. Luke never lets him do that because it's something that's a little too intimate, something you don't do with a fuck buddy. Michael half wonders if he promises Luke it won't mean that much that Luke could be persuaded, but he doesn't want to test that theory tonight. Next time. 

Luke leans up and crowds into Michael's space, and his mouth crashes against Michael's in a way that's almost desperate. Michael returns it and sucks Luke's bottom lip into his mouth. The lube in Michael's hand is forgotten as he lets himself get lost in that kiss, in the taste of it, of Luke. He loves it. He's fucking weak for it all the goddamn time. It's borderline pathetic and Michael doesn't even care. The kiss is broken a moment later when Luke's hand wraps around his dick and Michael gasps. 

"Fuck me, Michael. Fuck me from behind." 

It's a simple enough request and Michael moans faintly. "Okay...fuck...whatever you want..." 

Michael knows it isn't the most intimate position that Luke is requesting to be fucked in. It doesn't let Michael watch his face when he comes, one of his favorite things to do, and it doesn't allow Michael to kiss him at any time even if kissing is hard to do when you're in the middle of sex. Michael still likes to have the option but Luke rarely goes for face to face sex and it isn't lost on Michael as to why. It complicates things and Luke doesn't want to do complicated. Michael has learned how to read Luke's body language, when to push certain issues and when not to, and right now is not one of those times. They're both too hard, too needy, and Michael doesn't want another week long span of the cold shoulder from Luke. It's not much that his bandmate is offering him but it's enough to keep Michael coming back for more each time. 

Michael scrambles to find the lube as Luke shifts on the bed to get on his hands and knees, his back arched and ass in the air, on display for Michael, which causes a low groan to leave him and his cock to pulse impatiently. Luke isn't looking for something gentle, he wants it rough and Michael's too far gone to give it a second thought. Michael's hand closes around the lube bottle and he pops the cap open so he can pour a quarter sized amount into the palm of his hand. Luke appreciates it when Michael let's the lube warm against his skin before using it on him. Michael closes the bottle and tosses it aside, his eyes never leaving Luke because Luke is the sexiest fucking thing he's ever seen in his life. A small part of him swears that when Luke does shit like this it's because he's trying to kill Michael. 

"Jesus, you look so fucking hot right now..." Michael moans softly as he leans over Luke and places a kiss to the bottom of his spine. He teases over Luke's hole with his index finger and it's pleasing when he feels Luke shiver beneath him and lets out a needy whine. It causes Michael to laugh softly because he knows he's teasing. Michael loves to tease Luke until he's so hot and bothered that he's demanding Michael to fuck him senseless. "I'm gonna make you feel so good, baby. Don't worry."

"Stop teasing..." Luke keens softly, pushing back into Michael's touch at his hole. 

Michael bites down on his lower lip as he slides his index finger into Luke slowly so it allows his bandmate to time to adjust to the intrusion. They've fucked a hundred times by now but Michael still wants to make sure that Luke is always properly prepared to take his dick. Luke's moan of encouragement makes him smile faintly. Michael strokes the inside of his bandmate, opening Luke up so he can insert a second finger into him which brings another gasping moan from Luke. Michael leans over him and sucks a kiss between Luke's shoulder blades. The mark Michael leaves will fade by the morning, and he continues to kiss down Luke's spine as he fucks him with two fingers. Luke is impatient and Michael can tell by the way Luke pushes back into his fingers, fucking himself on them. Michael isn't blessed with long fingers like Ashton is, he doesn't have the ability to make Luke come just by finger fucking him but it doesn't actually matter since Michael would rather Luke come because of his dick. Michael reaches the bottom of Luke's spine and runs his tongue down the dip of his lower back, and adds a third finger to stretch Luke open even further as he nips roughly at Luke's right ass cheek. Luke jerks slightly, gasps, and Michael chuckles to himself.  

"Fuck...fuck..." Luke groans, pushing back on Michael's fingers like he's trying to get off on them alone. "God,  Michael...please fuck me already..." 

Michael slows his fingers, drawing it out so he can feel the inside of his bandmate. "Alright, Jesus..." He has to admit that even his own body is getting impatient at this point, and the way Luke looks right now, half wrecked, is enough that Michael might bust before he's even gotten inside of Luke. 

Luke's body is trembling faintly from his arousal as Michael's removes his fingers from Luke's hole. There's no composure left in his lover, nothing but lust and need, and Michael swears he could see this every day and never get tired of it. Michael slides a hand over Luke's hip and shifts on the bed so now he's behind Luke, and his eyes wander down the expanse of his back to his slightly gaping asshole and Michael groans shamelessly. He's never wanted anyone the way he wants Luke. Michael takes hold of the base of his cock so he can line himself up with Luke's body and nudges the head of it against Luke's hole. 

"Goddammit, Michael..." Luke groans, his tone impatient. "I want your dick in me. Now." 

Michael smirks faintly to himself, doesn't say anything, and slowly slides into Luke's body, choking back on a soft whimper. Luke is hot and tight around his cock and it sends shocks of pleasure down Michael's spine. It always feels like this, always good, always leaves Michael desperate to feel more and go deeper. Luke's pleasured little gasps and whimpers as he pulls back only encourages Michael, and he almost slides out of his lover completely. He can see Luke tremble visibly and with a snap of his hips, Michael is inside of Luke once more, and bottoms out with a groan. Luke to fall forward so he's braced on his forearms, head hung between his shoulders as Michael fucks him and blunt fingernails dig into the skin of Luke's hips. Michael's pants softly, always the quieter of the two of them once their bodies are in tandem. Michael tries not to dig his nails into Luke's skin too deep even though Luke doesn't seem to notice as he pushes back on Michael's cock and asking him to go deeper without actually speaking. Michael bites down on his lower lip to keep from coming as Luke's body tightens around him and his moans and gasps of pleasure fill the room, along with their skin slapping together. Michael is sure he's going to orgasm any time when he's distracted by Luke's voice. 

"Mikey," he whimpers softly, "pull my hair."

Luke's words are breathless, barely above a whisper and Michael almost misses the request, and it takes a moment for his brain to figure it out. Michael doesn't respond, but slides his hand up the length of Luke's spine and into dirty blond curls. Michael grips his bandmate's hair tightly, jerking Luke's head back firmly but not enough to truly hurt him. It brings a cry of pleasure out of Luke and Michael is almost annoyed he can't reach Luke's bared throat so he can mark it up with his mouth, and he's a little annoyed he can't see Luke's face right now. 

The annoyance doesn't stop the heat that pools in the pit of Michael's stomach and his fingers tighten once more around Luke's hair. "Come for me, Luke. Come with me," he demands.

Michael angles his hips to find that sweet spot inside of his lover, and he knows when he finds it by the way Luke cries out and his body tightens on Michael's dick. It's too much and not enough all at once, and Michael grits his teeth as he watches Luke's body tense and then shudder as he comes on the sheets. Michael follows him only seconds later, coming hard and filling Luke up as a moan breaks free of him, low and breathy. His head spins and as Luke collapses beneath him, Michael follows, blanketing Luke's body with his own. Both of them are sweaty and their skin sticks together but Michael doesn't care. Michael's chest rises and falls as he breathes heavily, his heart racing and beneath him he can feel Luke's heart beating just as quickly. Michael turns his face and rests his cheek against Luke's back between his shoulder blades with his eyes closed. They're going to need to shower after this but Michael doesn't think either of them are going to move for a little bit. Maybe Luke will shower with him. That's not too intimate right?

It feels like Michael is coming down from the best high he's ever had, and maybe part of that's true because Luke is like a drug for him. Michael wants it, needs it, can't live without it even if it might be bad for him. Michael doesn't open his eyes as he presses his hands into the mattress on either side of Luke, and raises himself up just a little bit so he can place a kiss to the back of Luke's neck. Michael kisses down Luke's spine slowly, lazily, and when he finally pulls out of Luke, it's with a soft moan. Michael smiles faintly as Luke arches his back into his mouth, making a soft hum of appreciation because Luke likes to be taken care of. 

"I love you," Michael murmurs softly.

The only indication that Luke hears him is the way his body goes rigid beneath Michael's. It's enough to send Michael into a slight panic. He's just fucked up. Big time. Michael doesn't even know what the fuck he was thinking or why those words slipped out of his mouth but they have. They have and Michael feels his stomach sink and his chest tighten. 

Luke doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at Michael, as he slips out of the bed and starts to gather his clothes. Michael watches, unsure if he should say something or if there even is anything to say, because this is something they've done for months and he's never fucked up like that. Yeah, Michael's gotten too emotional at times and too affectionate and Luke has told him to knock it off. But this silence is something Michael has ever encountered before. It scares him more than he's willing to admit. 

"Luke I-" Michael's throat is tight when he speaks, and he doesn't manage to get anything else out because Luke cuts him off. 

"Don't, Michael. Just don't, okay?" Luke still doesn't look at Michael as he pulls on his jeans and then his shirt. Luke checks for his wallet before he walks to the door and he doesn't look back before he leaves the room, letting the door bang shut behind him. 

Michael sucks in a sharp breath and his eyes sting but he isn't sure why he wants to cry. It's not like he hasn't known the arrangement from the start and Luke's never broken those unspoken rules, but Michael has. He just did. It's his fault Luke left the way he did and Michael is sure that's the last time Luke will end up in his bed and that's not even what he's truly upset about. Michael meant what he said; he loves Luke, has since they were fifteen and he's given so much to Luke to receive so little in return. It's Michael's fault this has happened because he thought he could sleep with Luke and not become emotionally involved with him. It's a lie he's been telling himself for months and months.

Now Michael knows more than ever how wrong he was. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Luke's vision is blurry again but that's something he's become accustomed to over the last several years. There's a pretty girl with dirty blonde hair, pale skin and a dusting of freckles on her nose tucked against his side. Luke is having a hard time remembering her name but he thinks it's Chloe. It's loud in the club and he's several shots deep into the night. He remembers thinking the girl's pretty because she doesn't wear a lot of makeup and if he kisses her, it won't taste like foundation. They're at a place called Bar Louie in Orlando because it was recommended to them by some locals. Calum is across the booth from him deep in conversation with the DJ that's currently on a break. Luke likes going out with Calum the most because Calum never makes him feel like he's doing something wrong like Ashton does. Luke loves Ashton but he never quite misses that _look_ the drummer gets when he doesn't approve of something but doesn't actually say anything. Sometimes the whole "band dad" thing can get really fucking annoying and Luke doesn't want to deal with it. Ashton would be quick to try and discourage Luke from taking this girl home and sometimes Luke wonders if Ashton knows more than he's letting on. It makes him want to take the girl back to the hotel with him just to prove a point though what that point is he can't figure out with his head all fucked up. Maybe to convince everyone and himself that nothing is happening between him and Michael. Everything is fucking fine. They're not fucking and Luke doesn't have feelings for his bandmate. What's the point when they'd never be allowed to have an actual relationship? It would always be shrouded in secrets and lies, only ever allowed behind closed doors and in shadows because they're expected to conduct themselves a certain way. As far as Luke is concerned that's no foundation for a relationship. Besides, he isn't gay anyway. 

Michael hasn't spoken to him since Chicago and Luke pretends like it doesn't bother him, shrugging like he has no idea what's up with the guitarist when he's been questioned about it by his other bandmates or Andy. Michael gets into moods sometimes and they all know it so no one really pries for more information though he's seen the way Ashton worries at the inside of his cheek, like he really wants to say something but decides against it. A few times Luke has found himself pacing outside of Michael's hotel room, nearly knocking on the door because it's tearing him up inside more than he wants it to, but chickening out at the last minute. He's gotten pretty well familiar with the mini bars in his room as of late and he never misses an opportunity when someone else wants to go out partying, which is how he's ended up here with the blonde girl whose hand is creeping up the inside of his thigh. She isn't shy at all, likely the alcohol has something to do with it, and the smile on her pretty face is coy. 

"Come dance with me," she murmurs and takes his hand to lead him out onto the dance floor. 

Luke isn't much of a dancer and he never has been, but he goes along with her willingly because he's drunk and no one's stopping him. Somehow, he and Calum have been lucky that no one seems to recognize them and if they do they don't say. The blonde finds an empty space on the otherwise crowded dance floor and presses her lithe body against his. Her waist is tiny in his hands and a small voice in the back of his head is comparing it to the way Michael's waist fits in his hands. It's not hard to sway to the music when his dance partner is more keen on rubbing against him as opposed to actually dancing. There's a gap between her shirt and the waistband of her jeans that leaves a few inches of skin open for touching and Luke's fingertips slide along the smoothness of it. The blonde seems to like the way it feels and grins up at him and he returns the grin. Luke realizes her eyes are actually very pretty, soft green in color, but they don't quite appeal to him the way he thinks they should. They're not the same as Michael's. Nothing about this girl is really like Michael except for a few similar things; her hair, her complexion, the green eyes. There's a small voice in the back of his mind that even in his inebriated state is accusatory as it tells him he's chosen her because she's like a female version of the guitarist. Luke hates that voice and he wants to shut it up. Doesn't anyone realize that things would be so much easier if he could just fall for a woman instead of his bandmate? It would be. Luke wouldn't have to hide her from the public or their management team. He could love her freely and completely, which is not something Luke can do with Michael and it isn't fair. Michael deserves to be with someone who can give him everything he wants and isn't afraid to love him openly. Everyone deserves that. No one should have to hide love behind closed doors and in stolen moments if what he had with Michael could be considered love. How could it be when it hurts this much? 

The girl in his arms doesn't seem to notice his distraction and Luke is pulled from his thoughts when her lips press against his. For a moment he doesn't respond because it takes a moment for his brain to catch up with what's happening, but when it does he returns the kiss and parts his lips to accept her tongue in his mouth. The girl's mouth tastes like the strawberry vodka and Luke loses himself in it for a moment. Actually, he wants to lose himself in it completely because then he doesn't have to worry about what's really going on or how much it hurts to not be with Michael, or even how much he hates himself for hurting someone he loves so much. 

The kiss is broken when Luke feels a hand on his shoulder and turns to see Calum is the one touching him. The bassist's brow is knit and he looks a little concerned though Luke isn't sure why. 

"What's up?" Luke asks, his words slightly slurred from the alcohol.

"We should probably go since we gotta show tomorrow," Calum explains. 

Luke raises a brow, wondering why that's suddenly an issue. It's not like they haven't partied all night before a show or before getting on a plane to the next city at the ass crack of dawn. "Go ahead without me. I'll leave in a little bit." 

"Seriously? Luke, come on." 

The protest and Calum's sudden annoyance catches Luke off guard and his hands fall from around the girl's waist. "Gimme a minute," he says to her before stepping away so he can speak to his bandmate. "What's your problem?" 

Calum hesitates for a moment before he speaks and says, "I just think we should go before you...I don't know...you've been acting weird, Luke. What are you going to do? Bring that chick back to your hotel room?"

"It's none of your fucking business," Luke snaps hotly. "Since when have you taken on the band dad role? Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can't do when you routinely take girls back to the hotel so you don't have to face the fact you like having Ashton's dick in you." 

Luke realizes he's said too much when Calum steps back like he's been struck and hurt flashes in his eyes. Immediately, Luke wants to apologize and tell the bassist he didn't mean it and that he's sorry but he doesn't get the chance. 

"Fuck you, Luke." Calum retorts before he storms off and disappears in the crowd.

Luke loses sight of him quickly and curses to himself as he rubs a hand over his face in frustration. He's really fucking this all up and he isn't sure what to do. Deep down he knows he was projecting onto Calum, but there's a hand sliding into his and the blonde girl is by his side once more, her lips are against his neck. Luke lets himself go numb to his emotions and lets this happen. What's the point in fighting it? For a few hours he can feel good and not like a fucking disaster and he really, really wants to feel good even if it means the crash is going to be rough later. Luke likes women - loves them - so he'd be stupid to miss blow this girl off. 

By the time they make it back to the hotel it's late and the only person in the lobby is the night manager. The girl is giggling at his side, her arms around his waist as he leads her through the lobby and into the elevator. She's a little more aggressive than Luke is used to as she pushes him against the wall and for a split second he's transported back to a few weeks ago when someone else had him against the wall like this. Luke is quick to force those thoughts from his head as he chases the girl's mouth with his own and kisses her. It's not the best kiss he's ever had, it's a little wet and off center because they're drunk but that doesn't matter. There's lipstick smeared on on his mouth and his hands are on her ass, and when the elevator dings and the doors start to slide open Luke pushes himself off the wall to guide the girl out of the car. He looks up to make sure they don't run into anything and his eyes meet a pair of green ones that are all too familiar and Luke sucks in a sharp breath which causes the girl in his arms to pause as well. 

Michael's jaw is set and his breathing is a little ragged. Luke notices by the way his chest seems to rise and fall erratically, like he's about to have a panic attack, and Luke immediately untangles himself from the girl. They've been a band for seven years, and friends even longer than that, and Luke knows when Michael's about to lose it. It has a strangely sobering affect on Luke and he steps out of the elevator and toward his friend to take hold of his elbow. Michael wrenches away from his touch angrily.

"Don't fucking touch me," he spits.

Luke is horrified to know that he's the one causing the anxiety to rise up in Michael, that this could have been avoided if he wasn't such an asshole. Michael is tearing off down the hallway and Luke follows him without even a second though as to the girl he's leaving behind in the elevator. She calls his name but Luke hardly hears it with the blood rushing in his ears. It's easy to put aside how he feels for the guitarist when Michael's out of sight and he can pretend nothing is wrong. Luke knows he has no right to run after Michael like this after everything he's done but it's like his legs are working separately from his brain, moving on their own and the only thing he wants is to get to Michael. Luke stumbles a bit as he catches up with the guitarist and grabs his shoulder to stop him. 

"Michael wai-" 

The last of his words at Michael turns on him so suddenly it makes Luke dizzy. He doesn't think he's ever seen his bandmate this angry, this hurt, and it's his fault. 

"I said don't fucking touch me, Luke!" Michael shouts. 

Luke pulls back like he's been burned and his heart starts to race so fast he feels like he might pass out. They're near Michael's door, which is near Calum's and Ashton's rooms as well. He isn't surprised when one of those doors opens and the faces of his other bandmates appear. Luke is still trying to process all of this because his brain feels like sludge and his head is starting to pound. Michael's in his vision but his shape is blurry around the edges because of the booze and it takes everything in Luke to stay standing upright at the moment. 

"I'm sorry...Michael...can we talk?" Luke pleads, his words slow and slurred. 

Michael makes a derisive sound in the back of his throat, like he can't believe Luke's asking anything of him right now. "No. Why the fuck would I want to talk to you? You can barely stand right now you're so fucking wasted." He's still shouting.

In her blurred peripheral, Luke sees Ashton step out of the room and approach them. "Guys, not here. This isn't the place for this," he says quickly

It's a gentle advisement, like Ashton's worried if he's not careful Michael will lose it completely right here in the hallway of the hotel. They don't need a spectacle that will bring other people out of their rooms with cell phones to record what's going on. In some part of Luke's brain he knows that and yet everything feels like it's spinning spinning spinning. 

"I just want to talk to Michael," Luke snaps at Ashton and takes a step forward. He doesn't make it far because Ashton presses a forearm to his chest and stops him. Luke looks at him incredulously, like he can't believe the guy is actually trying to stop him from talking to his boyfriend. No, not his boyfriend. His bandmate. A fuck buddy but never a boyfriend because he's not actually gay. Straight guys don't have boyfriends. 

"You need to sleep it off, Luke." Ashton's no nonsense at the moment and Luke doesn't have it in him to fight the drummer off as he's shoved towards Ashton's room. 

There's a brief exchange of words between Ashton and Calum before Calum crosses the hallway and guiding Michael into his room. When the door closes it feels like it's with some finality, like Luke isn't going to be allowed past the threshold ever again and the ache in his chest flares up. He's forgotten all about the blonde girl he left behind until he hears a voice behind them. Luke isn't able to make out what she says or what Ashton says to her but she doesn't seem particularly up for an argument and Ashton closes the door on her. 

Luke's knees hit the corner of the bed and he groans as he falls face first into the mattress and pillows. He can't think or feel anything and yet there's that annoying voice again in the back of his mind that won't even be drowned out with copious amounts of alcohol, telling him that he's the reason Michael is struggling. Luke knows this. He knows it so much it makes him want to vomit. The last thing he thinks about before he slips into a fitful sleep is if he'll ever be able to make things right with Michael. 

 

*        *        *

 

When he wakes up the next morning, it's to light beaming directly in his face and Ashton silhouetted in the light, arms crossed. Luke groans and buries his face in the pillows in an attempt to hide from the light and go back to sleep. His ears are ringing and it feels like someone's jackhammering inside his skull. His mouth is cotton dry and parts of his body ache he didn't even know could ache. Luke feels like someone ran him over and then backed up over his limp body in the street. Hell, Luke figures dying in a gutter last night might be preferable to the way he's feeling right now. This is the most hungover he's been in a good while and he's not real sure how he's going to recover before their show tonight. Even worse, he’s not sure how he’s supposed to face Michael and Calum after last night, and Luke really wishes he didn’t remember any of it. 

For a long time silence fills the room but Luke can feel a certain amount of tension coming off of Ashton and when the drummer speaks, it sounds too loud. Luke wants to cover his ears and pretend he doesn't hear anything at all. 

"So...rough night last night..." It isn't a question but a statement. 

Luke lifts his head from the pillows and rolls his eyes though he's not sure Ashton can see it. He's sort of bracing himself for one of Ashton's 'band dad' lectures and when it doesn't come Luke looks over to his friend with a faint frown. Ashton looks upset, concerned, even a little mad and it's unsettling. 

"There's water and ibuprofen on the nightstand, and I called for some toast and fruit to be brought up. You should put something in your stomach," says the drummer.

No sooner do the words leave his mouth that there's a knock on the door and Ashton gets up to answer it. Luke doesn't bother to try and make out what's being said and when the door closes, Ashton returns with a covered plate of food he sets on the table. 

"I'm gonna shower and then we should probably chat. Try and eat something." The door to the bathroom clicks shut behind Ashton.

Luke waits until he hears the sound of the shower running before he rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling for a moment. He's still in the same clothes he wore to the bar last night, boots, leather jacket and all. His stomach is queasy and he doesn't think he's going to get anything down without wanting to throw up but he's going to risk the pain killers to dull the throbbing in his head. Luke forces himself to sit up and on the edge of the bed, and he grabs the bottle of ibuprofen up and twists the cap off. He pours four round white pills into his palm before tossing them into his mouth. Next, he grabs the water bottle from the nightstand and washes them down. Luke recaps both bottles and stands with a groan. Luckily, the toast and fruit on the plate on the table don't give off much of a scent but the thought of eating turns his stomach so he picks at it, managing to get down half a slice of toast and a few pieces of the strawberries and bananas. By the time he flops back onto the bed, Ashton's done in the shower and emerges from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Luke doesn't pay attention to him as he dries off and puts clothes on. It isn't until he feels the mattress next to him sink with the drummer's weight that Luke looks at him. 

Ashton seems hesitant to speak at first, as though he's trying to figure out his words. "I don't know exactly what's up with you, Luke. Something is obviously going on and we're gonna have to try and figure it out," he says finally. "I know what you said to Cal last night at the bar." 

Luke winces. Of course he knew Calum would probably tell Ashton about their little spat. Calum tells Ashton everything. "It's not what you think. I didn't mean it..." 

"Yeah, I know you didn't mean it but the fact is you still said it and it really upset him. We all know you get moody sometimes, Luke, but you're never outwardly mean about shit." Ashton shifts on the bed to better face him and Luke frowns deeply. "This has something to do with Michael. Cal and I both know shit has gotten messy with you guys lately. You're not that subtle." 

It feels like Luke's stomach drops into his feet. He swallows the lump in his throat and it's like he can't even look at Ashton because he feels so ashamed. In retrospect, he knows that his bandmates have picked up on his relationship (if one can call it that) with Michael just like they've picked up on Calum's and Ashton's. Luke has spent all this time ignoring the obvious because acknowledging it means having to face it and he isn't strong enough for it. Not mentally. Not emotionally. At the end of the day, Luke knows he isn't good enough for Michael and that he doesn't deserve him. He's just this side of selfish; however, to carry on the physical aspect of their relationship and never give anything more because Luke isn't sure he can. They've all spent too many years in an industry that packages and markets them as one thing even if it's not exactly the truth. They've all been made to feel ashamed of their feelings and their emotions. It terrifies Luke to the point of anxiety just thinking about any of their team finding out about him and Michael. 

"I don't know what to do," he whispers, eyes closing as they sting with tears he tries to hold back. Luke has never really worried about crying in front of Ashton but he doesn't feel like he deserves whatever sympathy they might bring him. "This is a fucking mess and it's my fault." 

Ashton sighs and says, "It's not just your fault, Luke. It takes two to tango, right?" 

Luke nods but it doesn't really make him feel any better. It isn't like he and Michael ever actually talked about their relationship or the lack thereof. They never discussed what was to be expected or what not to expect. Luke never wanted to talk about it because it had the potential to make things too complicated, and it would force him to admit things he isn't ready to admit. Now he realizes that it's bitten him in the ass more than he could have ever predicted. Luke hates himself a little for what he's done to Michael, how he's treated him. 

"I don't know either but it's going to have to be something. Things are already tense and...this is something that could potentially get so bad we..." Ashton trails off.

Luke knows what he's thinking; if he and Michael don't fix this, if he doesn't get his shit together, it could potentially end them and they've only just gotten started again. They're career is doing better than it ever has before and none of them want it to end. They've come so far, fought so many odds to give up now. So why the fuck can't Luke figure out this hurdle? 

Ashton reaches over and pats his leg. "Go to your room and take a shower. I'll try and keep Kat off your back for as long as possible." 

The weight on the bed lifts as Ashton stands and Luke follows a moment later. The floor seems to sway beneath him and Luke wants to crawl into a shower and never leave it. He has to find a way to get through today because no matter what his personal issues are they have a job to do. A job that requires all of them getting along and making the best show possible for their fans. He mumbles a 'thank you' to Ashton for making sure he didn't die in his sleep before he leaves the room and crosses the hall to his own. With the way he feels, everything seems to take ten times longer, including peeling off his clothes once he's in the bathroom and getting in the shower. It's a bit shower at least, which makes it easy for Luke to sit curled up on the floor of it, back against the tile and his face buried in his knees as the water cascades down over him. He doesn't try and hold back the tears anymore 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay! So this was only supposed to be a one shot but I felt like I couldn't just leave it how it was. I had way more ideas coming in and people seemed to want a second part! So here it is! A second chapter and it's probably going to have a third! I hate to leave things unresolved so there's that! Anyway, this fic is for [Emma](http://wastethemuke.tumblr.com) as it was her prompt that started this roller coaster. I hope she loves this part and I hope you all do as well. <3 <3 <3


	3. Chapter 3

Michael can't remember the name of the boy he's fucking at the moment. It's Riley or Robbie or...something. Not that it matters because he isn't going to stay once he comes. This is just a way to work through the frustration and the hurt. It isn't the most healthy coping mechanism but Michael doesn't give a shit what his therapist might say about it. He just wants to feel something other than numb and the boy was a willing participant. He's cute, slight of frame with blond hair and blue eyes and he reminds Michael of a younger version of Luke. He knows it's fucked up in about a hundred different ways and yet it hasn't stopped him. Part of him likes the feeling of the slim waist in his hands as he fucks the guy, bent over the mattress on knees and forearms. Michael is quiet as he fucks him but the boy is loud, shameless. Louder than Luke but Michael's not really hearing anything. It's hard for him to concentrate on what he's doing but since he can't see the boy's face it's easy to pretend he's someone else. It's easy to pretend he's Luke. Michael grits his teeth and angles his hips to find that spot in the boy that's going to make him come and he knows he's found it when the boy's body suddenly tightens and then releases. He cries out as his orgasm shudders through him and it's enough to bring Michael over the edge as well and he barely lets a moan escape as his eyes close and he spills into the condom. It's over a few seconds later and Michael pulls out of him and slides the condom off. He ties it off , tosses it in a nearby wastebasket and takes a moment to catch his breath. The boy rolls onto his back before him, panting and a little sweaty but he has a grin on his face. 

"That was fucking amazing," he tells Michael. Michael forces a faint smile and shrugs. He's had some practice. 

The boy sits up and reaches for Michael to draw him in, and when he tries to kiss Michael his lips meet a cheek. It's the third time he's tried to kiss Michael and found rejection. The boy seems disappointed but he doesn't say anything. Michael feels bad but kissing has always been reserved for Luke and no one else. It's too intimate for Michael to just share with anyone. Suddenly, there are tears stinging the back of his eyes and he feels claustrophobic. Michael needs to get out of this apartment and fast. 

He slides off the bed and gathers his clothes from the floor. Michael can feel the boys eyes on him and he clears his throat before he says, "Sorry. I don't mean to be a dick but early plane tomorrow." 

"Any idea if you're going to be back in Denver soon?" 

Michael shakes his head. He has no idea if the next tour will bring them back to Colorado and he has no reason to come here if not for his job. He pulls on his pants and then his shirt then locates his socks and shoes. There's a terrible weight in his chest and he feels like he needs to say something to the guy he just used but he isn't sure what. Michael turns to face him and opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. Nothing really sounds right in this situation. The boy doesn't look expectant, like he's used to one night stands and that makes Michael even more uncomfortable.

"Thanks for tonight. It was fun," he says finally.

"No problem. Look me up if you find yourself back here," the boy replies. 

That isn't going to happen but Michael nods anyway before he leaves the room. It isn't until he's out of the apartment complex entirely that he feels like he can breathe again. He isn't familiar with Denver and he's grateful for things like Uber so he can get back to the hotel quickly. The driver doesn't appear to be overly chatty and Michael's grateful for that, too. He thanks the driver just before he gets out and leaves him a great review and a large tip before disappearing into the hotel. It's late and the lobby is empty which makes it easy to get into the elevator and up to his room, and once he's inside Michael immediately strips his clothes off and gets into the shower. He wants to wash away the night, all the horrible things he feels right along with the past year. The water is scalding hot and almost too much to bear and Michael scrubs every inch of himself to the point his skin is red when he finally shuts the water off and gets out of the shower. He shivers faintly even though the bathroom is warm and steamed up from the shower and he doesn't want to look at himself in the mirror because he's too afraid of what he's going to see so he's glad the glass is fogged. Michael dries off and leaves the bathroom to get dressed. 

The room is dimly lit as he sits on the edge of the bed and stares down at his phone which is illuminated on a contact screen. It's been a long time since Michael has talked to this person, a long time since they've even texted one another but he has such a desire to reach out to him that he hesitates for only a second before hitting the call button. Michael brings the phone to his ear and draws in a slow breath, eyes closing as he lets it out. He doesn't know if he'll get an answer or if he'll leave a message if he doesn't. 

"Hello?" says a sleepy, accented voice and Michael feels his heart start to race, nervousness welling inside of him.

"Hi, Harry. It's Michael." 

 

*          *          *

 

Michael bounces on the balls of his feet nervously as he waits outside of the small Danish restaurant he and Harry agreed to meet at the night before. Harry suggested Solvang, a small Danish town in southern California, for the two of them to meet and spend the day. He explained he discovered it a few years ago when he wanted to get away from the constant activity of Los Angeles and the pressures of being famous. Harry assured Michael it was a wonderful place to just be normal and that's something Michael desperately needs at the moment. The nerves are coming from the fact he hasn't seen Harry in such a long time and he's still vaguely surprised he even had the time or desire to meet Michael here. Michael didn't tell anyone where he was going; not his band mates or their management. He'd just rented a car once they touched down in San Diego and left. He hadn't even cared it was over a four hour drive. It had given him time to think. 

"Michael?" 

The familiar voice behind him pulls Michael out of his thoughts and he looks up to see Harry approaching. A smile brightens his features though he hesitates to reach out and pull Harry into a hug. It's been a long time since they last saw each other and they had been kids, teenagers. He's saved the decision; however, when Harry does the reaching and pulls him into a tight hug. For a moment, Michael simply allows himself to soak up the warmth of a familiar friend and the comfort it provides him. 

"Hey Harry," he says finally. 

Harry steps back to hold Michael at arms reach and he smiles affectionately. "You look good. Let's go inside and we can have a chat." 

Michael nods and follows Harry inside where he greets people like he spends a lot of time here. Maybe he does or maybe it's just the way Harry is. The hostess takes them to a booth near the back and tells them their server will be with them momentarily. Harry thanks her kindly and turns his attention back to Michael who is looking through the menu. Danish food isn't something he's overly familiar with and he can't remember the things they ate the last time the band was in Copenhagen. He finds something with a description that seems alright and looks up when Harry clears his throat. 

"Hi," he says awkwardly as a small laugh leaves him. 

"Hi," Harry says back. "You seem to be missing something. You sound very American."

Michael rolls his eyes faintly and shakes his head. People have been commenting a lot about that lately and he wonders if they're really losing touch with their roots and for what? To fit in better with the L.A. lifestyle? The more Michael thinks about it the more he finds it to be a little sad. 

"Yeah, you're not the first to tell me that. Guess it's all the time we've spent in L.A. the past few years."

Harry doesn't seem fazed by this excuse and waves a hand dismissively. It's full of rings and reminds him of Luke and how Luke has taken so much fashion inspiration from Harry for some reason Michael's never been able to parse. "You'll go home and it'll come right back I'm sure."

He's not wrong. Any time they go home their accents come back full tilt and it takes a while after being back in Los Angeles for them to fade again. "Probably. Not something you have to worry about. You still sound just as Brit has you did when we first met."

Harry laughs softly and shrugs. "True but we're not really here to talk about accents are we?" 

Michael shakes his head, sullen all of a sudden. "No, not really." 

He's momentarily saved from having to explain when their server reaches the table and asks them if they're ready to order. Michael gestures for Harry to order first because he's not sure if he's going to piggyback off of it or not. He decides he won't once Harry gives the server his order and when she turns to Michael, he orders as well. The server leaves the table and returns a moment later with their drinks before disappearing once more. Michael doesn't have a reason to stall anymore. 

"So...what's happening, Michael? You were so upset when you called me last night," Harry urges. 

"I know. I'm sorry again for calling you out of the blue but things have been...so complicated..." Michael starts. He's slowly tearing the straw wrapper into tiny pieces. "Things have gotten complicated with the band and...with Luke and I..."

Harry makes a sound in the back of his throat that Michael can't quite determine and he raises a brow at the singer sitting across from him. Harry notices and shakes his head. "It's nothing. It's just...I thought that might be why you called me. I still watch your interviews, Michael. I still keep up with what you guys are doing even if I don't reach out as much as I ought to or despite my social media presence being slight. I see the things that go on between you and Luke." 

There's a lump in Michael's throat and he swallows thickly. "W-what do you mean?" he stammers. 

"Oh Mikey..." Harry frowns, sympathy in his eyes. "Don't worry. I don't think anyone who hasn't been through a similar situation would pick up on it. Not unless they're looking for it, of course. The way you two interact is just...there is chemistry that's more than friendship but I'm assuming it isn't sunshine and rainbows." 

"Not at all," Michael laughs mirthlessly. He falls silent for a moment, the straw wrapper now a small pile of ripped pieces on the table in front of him. "I thought I could be okay with just a physical relationship. I figured that was enough and it's what Luke wanted but...it became something way more involved for me and not for him. It was stupid, I know...I never should have let it happen knowing I was going to fuck myself in the end." He can't even look at Harry as he speaks. Michael feels ashamed, stupid. "He doesn't want me and it's made everything fucking awkward."

Harry is silent for a moment, thoughtful, and the server returns with their food though Michael isn't all that hungry. He takes a couple of bites and it's delicious but he can only stomach so much at this moment so he mstly just picks at it. Harry doesn't seem overly interested in his food at the moment either. 

"I don't think it's that," he says slowly. "I think he's afraid." 

Michael frowns and he doesn't say anything because he knows that what Harry is suggesting makes complete sense. Luke has every reason to be afraid of his own feelings. They all do. It's been made very clear to them since the beginning of their career that they're a brand to be sold and that any relationships between them that could squander that image were heavily frowned upon. He knows this and he wishes it didn't hurt as much as it did. 

"The thing is," Harry continues, "are you willing to live like that or do you want to find happiness with someone who will love you unconditionally?" 

He sucks in a breath, unprepared for the truth that Harry has dropped in front of him. "I know. You're right. I don't want to live like that." 

"Then you're going to have to sever the ties and figure out how to just be his friend even if it's hard." Harry's voice is gentle.

Michael's throat feels tight as Harry reaches across the table to rests a hand over his, and he nods. "It's going to take time..."

"Of course it is. It always does."

There doesn't seem to be a solution to this in Michael's head. He can't imagine how he and Luke are supposed to go back to being just friends after nearly a year of sleeping together and how long Michael's been in love with him. How isn't sure how he's supposed to get over someone he sees nearly every day.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough," he admits softly. 

Harry shakes his head. "Yes, you are. You've dealt with so much, Michael. You're one of the strongest people I know." 

It makes Michael feel just a little bit better to hear something like that from Harry, a person he admires so much. "Thank you." 

"Don't thank me. I'm only here to pep talk you," Harry chuckles softly.

It brings a smile to Michael's face and though the problem hasn't been solved, it feels good to be able to talk about it and get some of the weight off of his chest. Deep down Michael knows he's going to have to figure his shit out if he wants to keep the band together. That's what they all want, what they've all been dreaming about, and he won't be the one to ruin it. 

Michael and Harry spend the rest of the day in Solvang together, catching up and enjoying the little bit of privacy that it provides them. No one seems to recognize them and if they do they're polite enough not to approach them. It feels like a different world altogether to Michael. There are no screaming fans or paparazzi or anything like that. They both turn the ringers of their phones off so they aren't bothered by them and it's more peaceful than Michael's felt in a long, long time. He's bummed out when it starts to get late and the two of them make their way back to the restaurant where their vehicles are parked. Both of them have to leave because they have things to do tomorrow but Michael wishes they didn't have to leave this comfortable little bubble at the moment. 

A heavy sigh leaves Michael as he leans against the rented car. "Guess they'd probably notice if I didn't show up tomorrow night, huh?" 

"Probably," Harry laughs as he steps forward to pull Michael into a hug. "Please take care of yourself, Michael. Don't wait so long between calls."

Michael smiles faintly and closes his eyes as he buries his face into Harry's shoulder, breathing in the scent of expensive cologne that he's always worn. It brings back memories of five years ago when he was just seventeen and everything didn't seem as complicated. Michael misses those days they can never have back. 

"Thank you," he murmurs into Harry's shoulder before the hug is broken.

Harry gets into his vehicle and Michael waves goodbye as he pulls out of the parking lot. He watches the SUV until it's out of sight before he lets his head fall back to look up at the sky. With the sinking sun it's painted in hues or pink and orange and Michael finds it mildly comforting. He knows what he has to do and he hopes against hope that it doesn't create a domino effect. When he gets in the rental car Michael pulls out his phone to find several missed calls and text messages, mostly from Ashton and a few from Calum. It makes his chest hurt to find that none of them are from Luke but it's also an affirmation. 

They're over.

 

*          *          *

 

The band are on a five day break between Seattle and Phoenix and Luke is relieved over the fact. He didn't dare admit to Michael (or anyone) that he was worried when the guitarist suddenly took off the day before San Diego and no one heard from him until he showed up for soundcheck the next afternoon. Every time Michael glanced in his direction, Luke looked away and the tension that wrapped itself around the band only grew more and more thick. Everyone was on edge and there seemed to be a collective relief as they stepped off the plane and into LAX. They were home for now, and Luke is even more thrilled over the fact his mother is in Los Angeles as well. They agree to spend the next day together to catch up and Luke listens easily as Liz tells him about her trip so far and shows him the photographs she's taken of the landscapes. Luke is proud of his mother for chasing something she loves and he tries his hardest to keep the conversation light and mostly about her road trip but he's never been able to get anything past her. She notices that something isn't right with him, that he's struggling and for once Luke wishes his mother wasn't as intuitive as she is. 

"Luke, what's wrong?" she asks as they walk along the beach. 

The tide is high which cuts off half the beach but neither of them mind as the water washes over their bare feet and ankles and the sun is sinking in the horizon. It's a scene he's familiar with. They grew up in Australia after all. It's even the same ocean and yet Luke finds that a little comforting even though his mother is about to call him out on his behavior. He knows he ought to be honest with her, tell her the truth but it's so hard when he can't even seem to be honest with himself. It causes anxiety to claw at his chest and he can barely look at her. 

"Don't try to tell me it's nothing because I know that's a lie," Liz adds. 

Luke frowns down at the sand and curses his inability to hide anything from her. He doesn't know where to even begin telling her what's going on with him, with the band and with Michael. He's glad there aren't a lot of people around to see him possibly have a mental break down. Luke knows his mother will be supportive of him no matter what, that she'll love him regardless of his sexual preferences or identity, but this is one of the hardest conversations he's ever been about to embark on. Luke wonders what his dad will think of it, what his brothers will think.

They stop walking and Luke turns to his mother, looking down at her and he can see the concern in her eyes and he hates it. He's supposed to be an adult now. Hell, none of them have been kids in a long time. They had to grow up fast on the road and learn how to become self-sufficient. Luke supposes it doesn't matter how old he is because there will always be times he needs her. Luke never wants to worry her though, especially when they live so far away from each other. The distance has made it easier for Luke to keep his secret but now that he's facing her and she's asking him what's wrong Luke can't keep it in. 

"Mum, there's something I have to tell you and I don't know how to say it," he starts, feeling on the verge of panic. He really wishes he had a strong drink or five to help him get through this. "It's really hard to admit and I haven't...I guess I haven't actually admitted it to myself so..."  Luke's throat feels tight and he's sure he's about to cry. The anxiety that rips through him threatens to cut off his words and he cant' seem to get enough air in his lungs. His chest hurts and he can't breathe. 

"Luke," Liz says softly, her hands coming to cup his face gently, "you need to breathe. Just breathe. Deep breath in and let it out." She breathes with him and her eyes stay on his until he starts to calm. He's never really understood how she can do that. It's something she's been able to do since he was little. 

He takes several deep breaths and lets them out to stave off the panic attack and his heart rate starts to slow. "'M sorry, mum. This isn't what you came here for. I feel like I'm ruining your vacation." 

Liz shakes her head and runs her thumbs over the curve of his cheekbones. "Hush. Don't apologize. It doesn't matter why I'm here, Luke. I'm your mum. I want to help you but I can't if I don't know what's wrong." 

Luke doesn't bother to try and stop the tears from coming and he lets Liz wipe them off of his cheeks. "I'm gay, mum." He says it so softly he thinks she might not have heard it over the sound of the waves behind him but her eyes soften and once more his heart feels like a jackhammer in his chest. 

"Oh baby," she murmurs as she pulls him into a hug, "I know." 

Luke buries his face into his mother's shoulder, glad she cant' see his surprise and the mess of tears. Has he really been that obvious? He hadn't thought so and he wonders who else has him figured out or if it's just Liz because she's his mother and knows everything about him. He let's her hold him, finding the comfort in it like he did when he was small though it's slightly uncomfortable with how tall he is now. Luke is having trouble collecting himself. He's finally admitted it to himself and the person he loves most in the world and yet there's still that unease. Not everyone knows and not everyone is going to be so accepting of it. Their management is still going to want him to hide it and it's going to be difficult but Luke thinks he ought to start being honest with the other important people in his life - starting with his band mates. 

He leans back and wipes at his face with the backs of his hands to clear his vision. When he looks down at his mother again, it's with a little bit of the weight lifted off his chest. It's not completely gone but it's a start. "How did you know?" he asks. 

Liz smiles faintly. "I'm your mum. I just know things about you and your brothers sometimes...sometimes even before you know them yourself. I've watched you for years, Luke. I've watched you grow from a little boy to a mischievous teenager and into this...beautiful man that you are now. I need you to know that there's nothing you can do that would make me love you less. I don't care if you're gay. It changes nothing. Your dad and brothers will love you the same as well. I know they will." She takes his hands and gives them a squeeze to reassure him and Luke appreciates it more than he can articulate. 

Luke smiles as Liz reaches up to brush hair out of his face. "Is that the only thing that's going on?" she asks. Luke shakes his head. "Is it Michael?" 

He nearly chokes at the mention of Michael's name and the fact his mother even brought him up to begin with. "Why do you ask about him?" Luke asks tensely. 

"I'm not trying to pry," Liz informs him. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to but...you two have been inseparable since you were fifteen. I just thought that maybe..." 

"You're not wrong," Luke admits. "Things between us have gotten complicated, mum. I've...done some really terrible things and I don't know how to fix them. I don't know how to make up for the way I've hurt him." 

Liz nods and the frown on her face makes Luke feel even worse. He doesn't see disappointment in her eyes, which knows he wouldn't be able to deal with at all. She loves all the boys but she's always been particularly fond of Michael. Luke takes a small comfort in knowing that despite that she's on his side first and foremost. 

"Well, maybe you could start with a simple apology," she offers.

Luke pauses, almost dumbfounded. It's such a simple suggestion and he never actually thought of it. It's not a cure all, he knows that, but it's a jumping off point. If he's lucky, Michael won't have completely crossed him off yet and they can start there. 

"Do you love him, Luke?" 

The answer comes without thought and without hesitation. "Yes." 

"Then tell him," Liz smiles gently. "It's never too late to try and right your wrongs. Be honest with him and yourself. You both deserve that." 

Luke nods and pulls his mother in for another hug. "Thank you, mum. I love you." 

"I love you too." 

Luke trusts his mother's advice, trusts that she wouldn't lead him astray and he knows that if it wasn't for her he would be completely lost instead of just a little lost. He's grateful for her, for her unconditional love and support. Luke could not be luckier to have the family he does. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Despite the conversation with his mother, Luke doesn't speak of his sexuality again to anyone else. He's not ready for his bandmates to know or anyone outside of even that circle. The more people who know the more Luke worries the upper echelons of the company will find out and it'll be the end of everything he's worked so hard for - that they've all worked so hard for. That thought alone causes him enough panic that it keeps him silent. Luke almost convinces himself that it's just a phase he's going through and maybe what he told his mum wasn't entirely accurate. But every time he finds himself flirting with a girl as of late that's all it ever is. Luke appreciates their beauty, the softness of their skin and the curves of their figures, so vastly different from a man's, but he has no interest in exploring them. It dawns on him that he's never _really_ had any interest to do so even in the past, and that he was only doing so because that's what he thought he was supposed to be doing. Now that he's had a taste of what he really does it for him it's a totally different ballgame. There are a plethora of cute guys that surround him and he enjoys one or two of them (more so than he did any of the women in history) but there's still something distinctly lacking. There's an emotional intimacy that's missing and Luke knows exactly where to find it. He just isn't sure he can bring himself to talk to Michael just yet. 

They aren't avoiding each other quite as much once their small break ends and their back on the road. They have a few more shows before their eleven day break between Los Angeles and London where they're performing at a Radio 1 awards show. Luke and Michael have settled into a routine that's not quite as close as they once were but they're not icy toward one another either. It seems to be a relief for Calum and Ashton. He's glad that he can at least joke with Michael again because it chips away at the loneliness that's settled around his heart. It's only a matter of time before Michael finds someone new, the clock is against him, but Luke just can't bring himself to confess his biggest secret to anyone else. He also doesn't think he can watch Michael fall in love with someone else either. 

The next time he sees his mother, she asks him how he's doing and Luke admits he hasn't talked to Michael or his bandmates. Liz doesn't push him, doesn't lecture him, but instead hugs him tight and tells him that he'll know when the time is right. She tells him it's not an easy thing to deal with but she's there for him no matter what, even if she's an ocean away. Luke knows this already but he's glad to hear it from her again. 

The energy of their shows have picked back up since Michael and Luke aren't actively avoiding each other any more and when they have those moments on stage of being so close Luke could easily kiss him, it sends a thrill through him. It's the closest he's been to Michael since they stopped sleeping together weeks ago. Luke misses that closeness, the heat of Michael's body and the soft brush of his lips on against his shoulder in those rare moments Luke let Michael spoon him post-orgasm. In fact, Luke thinks he misses that more than he does sex. Sex he can get from anyone he chooses, but that heart-pounding, stomach churning feeling has only ever come from Michael. 

The last show of the North American leg of their tour is in Los Angeles, which means all of their friends are going to be in attendance, along with his mum once more. Liz comes back stage to wish the boys luck with hugs and kisses to their cheeks. She's always had a special relationship with them because of the time she spent traveling with them in the early days of their career. His bandmates love her just as much as he does. It doesn't slip unnoticed that Liz holds onto Michael for a little longer than she does Calum or Ashton. Luke turns away just as she lets go of him so Michael doesn't notice he's staring at them with a too soft expression. He tries to imagine what it might be like to get used to that again, to have Michael spending time with his family as Luke's boyfriend and not just his bandmate or friend. He's still thinking about it as he wanders the backstage area of the venue, trying to work off some of the nervous energy that's built up inside of him. Luke isn't nervous about performing, not really, he hasn't been since they started. It's something else that he can't quite put his finger on, a feeling that something is amiss. He's lost in his thoughts as he turns into the corner and runs right into something - someone. 

Luke stumbles back, a surprised yelp leaves him and he realizes the person he's run into his Michael. "Oh, hi..." 

"Hi." 

Silence stretches between him and Luke thinks about what his mother said a week and a half ago; that Luke needs to talk to Michael because it's what they both deserve. Now really isn't the time but Luke doesn't think there's really any right or wrong time for something like this. 

"Can we talk?" he asks. He worries at the inside of his cheek as Michael seems to hesitate.

"I can't really talk right now. I have something I've gotta do." 

"What do you have to do?" Luke asks, perplexed. 

Michael's eyes look away from him and he mumbles, "Harry's on his way here."

The jealousy that wells up inside of Luke is instantaneous, like a dam that's broken free with no way of stopping it. This is a feeling he's familiar with because he felt it years ago when they were just a new band and One Direction's opening act. Luke never admitted even to himself that the sick feeling he got in his stomach, the way his chest hurt, whenever he saw Michael and Harry together was jealousy. Even now he wonders if Michael and Harry ever actually hooked up or not. He's always been afraid to ask. 

"Oh," he says softly. He doesn't know what else to say. "Okay, sure...have fun, I guess..." It's on the tip of his tongue to ask Michael why Harry is coming to one of their shows when he never has before but he doesn't really have the right. So instead he walks around the guitarist and shoves his hands in his pockets. Luke wants to hit something or someone - maybe Harry - but he can't. 

"Luke, wait..." Michael calls out to him but he ignores it. 

 

*          *          *

 

Luke spends the rest of the time between the time he ran into Michael and the time they go on stage in a funk. Michael brings Harry backstage to chat with them but Luke keeps his distance, pretends he's busy chatting with one of their crew so he can avoid conversation with him. Part of him doesn't even care if it makes him seem rude. All too often his eyes travel over to Michael and Harry and Luke hates the way they flirt, the way Harry touches Michael in a way that's almost intimate. It causes a pang in his heart and that jealousy sparks back to life, hotter and stronger than the first time. He doesn't think Harry has any right to touch Michael like that. He's not part of their band. He's not been friends with Michael since they were fifteen. He doesn't love Michael the way Luke does. The way Michael's cheeks flush when Harry compliments him makes Luke want to shove his way between them and tell Harry to fuck off. He doesn't even realize he's stepping towards the two of them until Calum grabs his arm and tells him they need to be on stage in two minutes. It's enough to shake Luke from his thoughts and he turns to his bandmate with a blank stare, blinks and nods. 

Michael manages to pry himself away from Harry and join them just before they take the stage. He knows Harry won't be out in the crowd because he's too famous, too recognizable, so at least he won't have Michael's attention then. Luke just has to find a way to get through their last show for nearly two weeks and grab Michael's attention when it's over. 

They go through their set with ease - they've performed it a hundred times - and Luke finds an opportunity to slink over to Michael. He stops playing long enough to tug one of the IEM pieces from his ear and leans forward, talking loud enough for Michael to hear over the music, or so he hopes.

"I have to talk to you when we're done," he shouts. 

Michael knits his brow and pulls one of his own ear pieces out. "What?" 

Luke has about twenty seconds before he has to be back to his mic for his verse. "We need to talk!" he yells again.

Michael seems to get the message and he nods. They break away from each other so Luke can return to his mic. He sings his verse and when it's over he looks back at Michael to find he's gone to the side of the stage. Luke assumes it's for water but he soon learns it's because Harry is there, tucked away in the shadows where fans won't be able to spot him. Jealousy spikes through him again and he accidentally snaps a guitar string. He forces back a frustrated sound and switches out his guitar for another one to finish the song. 

The set feels like it takes ages and they're all sweaty messes by the time they come together for the final bow on stage. Luke's fingers wrap into the back of Michael's shirt tightly as an attempt to remind him they agreed to talk after the show. Michael glances at him but says nothing before the walk off stage. Luke loses sight of Michael as a sound tech approached him to rid him of the IEM transmitter attached to his pants and the ear pieces so they can be packed away for their next show, which isn't for nearly two weeks. Luke takes a towel from one of their crew, nearly forgets to thank her in his haste, and rubs it over his face to mop up some of the sweat. They'll have about an hour to use the venue's showers in their dressing room and get onto the bus. Luke is a little worried Michael won't be leaving with them. 

By the time Luke makes it into the shower, Michael isn't there, apparently having already showered and left. Luke makes quick work of getting cleaned up and changed into clean clothes. There's talk about the after party that's supposed to be taking place at a club their management as bought out so it's exclusive and invite only. Michael doesn't like parties and he often skips them so Luke isn't going to be surprised if he skips this one as well. He almost tells Calum and Ashton that he doesn't feel up for it but they're surrounded by their friends and Luke feels obligated to go anyway. He's quiet as they leave the venue and walk out to the SUVs that will take them to the club. There are fans waiting to get a glimpse of them per usual and he smiles politely at them but doesn't stop. He's not in the mood for pictures and writing out tattoos in his messy scrawl. They pile into the vehicles and cross the city to the club, and they enter in through a private entrance at the back to avoid anyone who might have caught wind they'd be here. 

The music is loud and all around them are their friends, associates and managers. Someone asks him where Michael is and Luke shrugs because he can't answer the question, though he suspects Michael is with Harry. He hates the idea and tries to banish the negative feeling it twists around his heart. Luke is well aware that he's likely waited too long and fucked up his chance at getting Michael to forgive him, but he doesn't think he can watch Michael fall in love with Harry. It would just be too cruel. 

He feels like a cyborg as he makes his way from group to group within the club, not really interested in the drink that's in his hand. Luke's movements are robotic and his responses are vague and uninteresting. He catches Calum raising a brow at him as if to ask him if he's alright but Luke ignores it. He is not, in fact, alright. Luke places the half finished drink on the bar and excuses himself from the group he's chatting with, claiming he has to use the bathroom and he plans to slip out the back undetected so he can go home. Michael isn't here so there's no point in him sticking around. He's just about to enter the hallway that lead to the bathrooms when movement from above him catches his attention. Luke looks up to see Michael leaning against the rail of the VIP area and looking down over the crowd of people below him. Luke doesn't know when he got here or how he slipped in undetected but he's alone and Luke feels a wave of relief wash over him. Michael looks toward him and their eyes meet for a brief moment before Michael is stepping away from the rail and disappears into the shadows. 

Luke's body moves without him having to command it to do so, and he takes the stairs to the VIP lounge two at a time until he reaches the landing. Michael's not there but he can see the door that leads to the outside balcony is slightly ajar. It's the only place Michael would have gone so he follows and slips through the door and onto the balcony. It's large enough for twenty people but it's only the two of them out here now. Michael is standing at the brick wall that comes up above their waists to keep people from plunging to their death in the traffic below. He doesn't say anything as Luke approaches, wringing his hands for lack of anything better to do with them. 

"You said you wanted to talk," Michael says without looking at him. "So talk." 

Luke doesn't even know where to begin. It's been months of tension building between them, all leading to this moment and he doesn't know how to proceed. The moment feels fragile like glass and one misstep can shatter it completely, never to be put back together. Luke has to approach this carefully because it's the last chance he'll probably ever get to make things right with Michael. 

Below them, vehicles zip through the street and it's windier because of the height. They're not high enough to see across the city but it's still brightly lit from the neon signs of the city below. Luke takes a moment to look at Michael's profile against that light and nearly loses his breath. Michael is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and he's been a completely idiot this entire time. He knows there's never been anyone in the world for him other than the man standing next to him, barely able to look at him because of all Luke has put him through. He doesn't deserve Michael's forgiveness and he certainly doesn't deserve his heart but Luke's going to try like hell to earn them anyway. 

"Michael there is..." Luke pauses, drawing in a deep breath to steady his nerves and then continues. "There's nothing I can say that's ever going to make up for...any of this..." He gestures between the two of them. "The shit I've put you through has been terrible and you have every right to hate me. You have every right to tell me to fling myself off the balcony and walk away." There's a hint of a smile on Michael's lips that that encourages Luke to continue. "Sorry isn't going to cut it and i know that, but I am sorry, Michael. I am so fucking sorry for the way I've hurt you." 

Luke can feel his throat tighten and he has the urge to cry but he doesn't. He doesn't have the right to fall apart right now when he's trying to apologize to Michael. "I know I don't deserve you or your forgiveness but I'm hoping you'll think about it and I'm hoping that you'll believe me when I say that I'm so fucking in love with you that I can't see straight."

The surprise is clear on Michael's face as he whips toward him, eyes wide and lips parted. Luke can see the hundreds of thoughts running through Michael's mind and every moment he doesn't speak causes Luke's heart to sink lower into his stomach. Even if he was hopeful that Michael would forgive him, that he would take him back, there's part of him that realizes that Michael might not. It's too big a part of him to ignore and Luke is left hoping for the best right now. He feels like he's falling without a safety net. 

"Why did you leave then? That night that I told you I loved you?" 

Luke wasn't expecting the question and he opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He shuts it, considers his answer, and tries again. "I was afraid. I was...terrified, actually...of what it meant for me. Of what it meant for us and the band. I was afraid to admit to myself that I wasn't the person who I tried so hard to be for so many years. I couldn't admit to myself what I was so how could I admit it to anyone else?" It might not be the greatest explanation but it's all he has. "I told my mom during our break after Seattle. I told her about you...about us...that I'm...gay..." It was still so hard to say that word out loud. 

Michael's expression turns soft and he nods. He's quiet for another long moment and Luke's heart begins to race. He isn't sure what to expect now and that's even worse than realizing Michael could tell him to fuck off at any time. "What did you think was going to happen if you told me, Luke? Did you think I wouldn't understand your struggle? That I..." He trails off. "I never would have..."

"I know," Luke interrupts quickly. "I know that now. I don't have a good explanation for why I've been such an asshole, Michael. I don't and I'm not going to try and smooth this over with excuses because there are no good excuses." He steps forward and brings his hands up to cup Michael's face so he can look in his eyes. "All I can do is tell you how sorry I am and how I am willing to spend every day of my life, for however long I'm alive, making it up to you because I am in love with you, Michael Clifford. I have been in love with you for so long and I was just too stupid accept it. Please, forgive me. Please...give me a second chance?" 

There's a shift in Michael's eyes and he doesn't speak, instead he surges forward and his mouth crashes into Luke's. The kiss is urgent, almost desperate, like Michael needs him like he needs oxygen. Luke feels the exactly same way and he kisses the guitarist back so hard it's almost bruising. It's only broken when the two of them are forced to breathe and Michael presses his forehead to Luke's eyes closing. 

"Yes," he says softly. "I forgive you, Luke. I forgive you and I fucking love you." 

It's all Luke needs to hear. It's all he needs in the world and he presses a second kiss to Michael's mouth, this one far more gentle than the last before wrapping him into a tight hug. They stand their for a long time, wrapped in each other's arms and Luke realizes how much he's been missing for so long. He realizes it has always been Michael that's the focal point he's been missing for so long. He promises both of them that he isn't going to make that mistake again as he presses gently kisses all over Michael's face and promises him the entire world. Whatever Michael asks for, Luke will run straight into Hell and back to make sure he gets it. 

 

*          *          *

 

Luke wakes to the feeling of lips and warm breath pressed against the cartilage of his ear and it makes him smile though he doesn't open his eyes. Michael has woken him up like this almost every day for the past year and Luke enjoys it every single time. Those lips don't stay in one place, instead they travel to the back of his neck and then down along his spine. Luke squirms faintly at the feeling of it combined with the way Michael's long hair drapes over his skin and it tickles. Luke bites down on his lower lip and let's Michael get to the bottom of his spine before he shifts beneath him. 

"Alright, I'm up." 

The faint sound of Michael's laugh muffled against his skin is one of the sweetest sounds he's ever heard. Luke realized a long time ago he'd give up a lot just so he could hear that for the rest of his life. When Michael stops kissing him, he turns over in the bed so he's on his back and looks down at his lover, who looks like he's been awake for awhile and that's surprising. Michael never gets up earlier than he has to. Luke has half a mind to ask but he doesn't get the chance because suddenly Michael's mouth his against his and Luke returns the kiss. They've long since gotten past the point where morning breath is a big deal. It's broken a moment later and Michael lays on top of him, chin resting against Luke's chest and his eyes bright. 

"You ready for today?" he asks softly. 

"Yeah...mostly...I don't know. I'm nervous about it but I'm ready." 

"I think it's normal to be nervous but just remember that we're in it together."

Luke smiles down at Michael and moves a hand to his cheek so he can draw him up for another kiss. He knows they're in it together and if they weren't, there would be no way Luke would have ever considered this. He knows they need to be honest with their fans. It's time and they deserve the truth. Their friends and family know the truth. So does their management team. It took a year for them to get to this point because for the first few months of their relationship, Luke still struggled to accept himself. There are still days when it's difficult but the love he has for Michael far outweighs any insecurity he has. Michael had been so patient with him and it was far more than Luke ever really deserved. He knows he's not good enough for Michael and yet Michael loves him regardless and for that Luke is grateful. Luke is tired of hiding his relationship and he knows Michael is as well. They've been talking about this interview for weeks. 

It's been a delicate situation and neither of them have been particularly careful about not crossing certain lines. They have been careful not to let paps catch them too close so as to break the story before they get the chance. They both agreed that wasn't how they wanted their fans to find out the truth. Michael was adamant they not give up control to the paparazzi or any kind of tabloid. Luke hadn't been able to find fault in that either. It was their story to tell and no one else's.

"Do you think we'll lose fans?" Luke asks. He brings a hand up to run through Michael's dark blond locks. They're messy but Luke loves the way his lover looks in the morning.

"Probably." Michael shrugs. "But that's kinda par for the course and I don't care. Do we really want people who won't support us to be our fans?" 

"No, I guess not."

It isn't like there haven't always been rumors about his relationship with Michael even since they started so many years ago. It was the reason their management came down so hard on them so often about being too affectionate with one another. Six months ago they had tried to do it again and Michael had lost his mind and refused to take what he called "homophobic bullshit" from them anymore. Luke had stood right beside him, along with Calum and Ashton, because no matter what the four of them always stood together. They had given their management team a choice; either cut them loose or accept the inevitable. Their management had chosen the latter because there was too much money and too many legalities wrapped up in them. It had been Michael who put the idea of an interview on the table and an answer had come a few days later. Now they were just hours away from it and Luke had never felt more nervous about it in his life. It wasn't even a recorded interview, just an article in a magazine, and yet he felt like he was about to strip down bare for the world to see. The only thing that kept him anchored was knowing that Michael would be right beside him.

"I love you," Michael whispers faintly. It's enough to distract Luke from his thoughts. 

"I love you, too." 

The next kiss Michael gives him is sweet, lovingly, and it's all Luke's ever really wanted. Just these small moments with Michael. Luke hopes that with honesty comes some relief from the weight they've both had to bear for too long. Neither of them are naive enough to believe there won't still be challenges, that they won't have to deal with shitty behavior from fans. They've talked it over with Calum and Ashton because Luke was worried how it might negatively effect the image of the band, how it was likely the only thing people were going to talk about for awhile. Both of them gave their support and encouraged them to do this, not just for them but for their fans who can relate. They'll just have to work a little harder to make sure their music is still what defines them as a band, not their individual sexuality. 

Luke doesn't have to choose between his career and the love of his life, no matter what anyone's tried to tell him before. He knows that now. There's nothing different about them now except for the fact they can kiss each other more freely now. They're still Luke and Michael, still individuals but a team as well. They can have each other and their careers and that's all they've ever wanted. 

And that's what they're going to have no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of the support while I was writing this ficlet. :) You guys have been so kind with the comments and feedback. I hope Emma enjoys the conclusion of this story I wrote for her. I hope the rest of you do as well! It's been a pleasure. 
> 
> -TJ

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh! So this was a request by one of the most lovely people on Tumblr, [Emma](http://wastethemuke.tumblr.com), and I finally got it finished! The first part at least. I feel like there's a second part to this coming! I hate to leave it on such a sad note! :( Anyway, I hope you enjoy it but mostly I hope Emma enjoys it!


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